so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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