It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
