And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
