I murdered the dance floor call the cops
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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