I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
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