Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
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