One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
