I wish I could teleport
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
