There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
