I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize