You're earring is so big in my mouth
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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