Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
