I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
