$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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