connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
