who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
