Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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