i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
