Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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