my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
