I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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