You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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