Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
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