I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize