how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
