Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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