The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
