I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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