Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
