You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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