ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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