Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
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