Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
