Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
