Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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