I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
