You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
