I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
