My hand turned me down
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
