I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
