Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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