The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
