I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
