you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
