Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
she pinky promised me she was 18
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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