Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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