OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
