Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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