I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
