so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize