These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
