can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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