Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
